Savage Sentimental

As we live in the era of a squeezing economic crisis, it's not surprising that gas bills are also sky-rocketing. But it doesn't mean that we are forced to go without our convenient household appliances. One of the most simple ways of reducing costs is to replace gas burners with these cute and tiny piles of logs. For your own safety, do not forget to put small pieces of stones around your fire. Then, you need to wait only two days and your stew is ready to be served. Don't be bothered by the smoke, it only makes your food tastier.

Do you think you could write a funnier and more clever comment on the picture above? Have a try! The best alternative version will be posted here - after some correction if it's needed.

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Az értőnek:

A benign growth recently removed from Pope Benedict's head is now blessing things on its own. It's the Onion Radio News, this is Doyle Redland reporting. An operation to remove a harmless tumor from Pope Benedict the XVI stunned the world's Catholics today when the mass of rapidly growing cells began sanctifying small objects on its own. Papal surgeon, Dr. Vishnu Patel called the inspiring ounce of mutated flesh a modern day miracle. 'This charismatic ball of tissue could become more popular than the Pope himself'. Thousands of the faithful gathered today in Vatican Square to witness the rapidly developing piece of their spiritual leader as it waved to them from a jewel-encrusted bucket. Doyle Redland for the Onion Radio News.

Az érdeklődőnek:

A Benedek pápa fejéből nemrégiben eltávolított jónindulatú daganat most önállóan oszt áldást. Önök az Onion rádió híreit hallják, Doyle Redland vagyok. A XVI. Benedek pápa testéből eltávolított ártalmatlan tumor ámulatba ejtette a katolikus világot, amikor a gyorsan növő sejtek halmaza magától kezdett kisebb dolgokat megszentelni. Őpápasága sebésze, Dr. Vishnu Patel napjaink csodájának nevezte a mintegy 30 grammnyi, ihletett mutáns húsdarabot. 'Ez a karizmatikus szövetrész népszerűbbé válhat, mint maga a pápa.' A mai nap során hívők ezrei gyűltek össze a Szent Péter téren, hogy szemtanúi legyenek annak, amint vallási vezetőjük gyorsan fejlődő darabja egy ékszerekkel kirakott vödörből integet feléjük. Az Onion rádió híreit Doyle Redland tudósította.

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Az értőnek:

A second tattoo is added to explain a first tattoo. It's the Onion Radio News, this is Doyle Redland reporting. Frustrated by constantly having to answer questions about a recent tattoo of a four-leaf clover sprouting from Radiohead singer Thom Yorke's head, local man Mark Cobb has now added a second tattoo to help explain it. Cobb told reporters today that he considered the tattoo's meaning to be 'obvious'. 'Now I've got Thom Yorke sitting in a pile of Ben and Jerry's ice scream right here on my forearm. I'm hoping that will do it.' After the second tattoo failed to clear things up, Cobb is now carefully planning a third tattoo, intended to explain everything in plain English on the side of his face. Doyle Redland for the Onion Radio News.

Az érdeklődőnek:

Egy kiegészítő második tetoválás az első magyarázataként. Önök az Onion rádió híreit hallják, Doyle Redland vagyok. Azon bosszankodván, hogy állandóan arról a tetoválásáról kérdezgetik, ami Thom Yorke-nak, a Radiohead énekesének fejéből kihajtó négylevelű lóherét ábrázol, egy helyi férfi, Mark Cobb most egy második tetoválást is hozzátoldott. Cobb ma elmondta az újságíróknak, hogy szerinte a tetoválás jelentése "nyilvánvaló". "Most van egy olyanom, hogy Thom Yorke egy nagy halom Ben and Jerry's fagyin ül, itt az alkaromon. Remélem, hogy ez megteszi." Miután a második tetoválásnak sem sikerült tisztáznia a dolgokat, Cobb most egy, az arcán elhelyezett harmadik tetoválást fontolgat, ami szándéka szerint végre fehéren-feketén mindent megmagyaráz. Az Onion rádió híreit Doyle Redland tudósította.

In case you don't know, Morcheeba are a British band, formed by the Godfrey brothers in London. They are famous for mixing influences from trip hop, rock, dub, soul, rhythm and blues and pop, defying categorisation as one of their main aim is never to repeat themselves. I first encountered with their songs sometime in the mid-1990s when I was trying out some psychedelic substances (yeah, no doubt you've figured out: drugs). Later I was rehabilitated but the love of their music has remained. The song you're about to listen to is on their sixth studio album Dive Deep, released in 2008.

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For those of you interested:

Run Honey Run

Well I wish I could think of some cliché to mouth
To make our parting seem less sad
But if I told you lies or promised you the moon
The truth would come trickling from my eyes

So run honey run, and hide in the wind
And never stop to look inside your mind

And I wish I could wash all my weeping blues away
And watch them disappear on morning tide

But I seek after sword, after sounds of the sea
A charm forever round my mind

So run honey run, and hide in the wind
And never stop to look inside your mind

And I wish I could fly like a bat from a cave
Through the darkness of my ignorance to light
I'd forever live on the echoes of our love
And die like some star burning bright

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Az értőnek:

An insurance company sets the value of John Mayer's hands at just under 38 dollars. It's the Onion Radio News, this is Doyle Redland reporting. Singer and guitarist John Mayer was reported to be very upset today over the news that the insured value of his hands is a mere 37 dollars 87 cents. The rock and roll star says his hands play a crucial role in his musical career. Insurance agent Terence Donnelly however believes otherwise. '38 dollars are generous, trust me.' Donnelly added that if the pop superstar thrusts his hands into a wood chipper and vows never to sing again, he'll throw in an extra twenty bucks and a desk calendar. Doyle Redland for the Onion Radio News.

Az érdeklődőnek:

Egy biztosítótársaság szerint John Mayer kezeinek értéke még a 38 dollárt sem éri el. John Mayer gitáros-énekest állítólag nagyon feldúlták a hírek, melyek szerint kezeinek biztosított értéke csupán 37 dollár és 87 cent.  A rock and roll csillaga azt állítja, hogy kezei kulcsszerepet játszanak zenei pályafutásában. Terence Donnelly biztosítási ügynök viszont másként vélekedik. "38 dollár nagylelkű ajánlat, higyjék el." Donnelly hozzátette, hogy ha a pop szupersztár beteszi a kezeit egy faaprítógépbe és ezzel eléri, hogy sohasem fog énekelni többet, be fog dobni még plusz húsz dolcsit és egy asztali naptárat is. Az Onion rádió híreit Doyle Redland tudósította.

Have you ever had a dream so realistic that you eventually woke up not being really sure you were still in bed? Have you ever had a strange or shocking experience in your life you wished it hadn't been real? Then the Matrix is the movie you've been looking for.

The plot seems to be rather simple on the surface: mankind lives in a dream. Literally. In the movie's future world, most of Earth's population are unknowingly curled up in little pods, millions upon millions of tiny pods all over the world, with each pod's inhabitant fed and nurtured by giant, insect-like machines. People's lives are merely sensory implants, everything they experience is only an illusory simulated reality in order to keep them pacified, while the machines feed on their energy. Because the year is not 1999 as everyone thinks, but it is estimated to be closer to 2199, and humanity is fighting a war against intelligent machines created by artificial intelligence in the early 21st century.

In the scene you're about to watch, Thomas Anderson, a bored middle-class software programmer who moonlights as the rogue hacker, alias Neo, awakens into the reality of the Matrix with the help of a wise and persistent guide called Morpheus. It turns out that everything people see, touch and smell is nothing more than a computer program, and only a group of enlightened and daring people have managed to unplug and free themselves in a post-apocalyptic world of destruction. After hearing the truth, Neo doesn't seem to be able to handle it.

Quite embarrassingly, the movie degenerates into an eye-catching but otherwise conventional armed combat after an hour or so. But if you're not disturbed by classic action clichés, follow the white rabbit and free your mind for 130 minutes at least, then get back to the real world as quickly as you can and wash the dishes you left in the kitchen sink yesterday.

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Az értőnek:

Morpheus:     

This is the Construct. It's our loading program. We can load anything from clothing, to equipment, weapons, training simulations, anything we need.

Neo:               

Right now we're inside a computer program?

Morpheus:     

Is it really so hard to believe? Your clothes are different. The plugs in your arms and head are gone. Your hair is changed. Your appearance now is what we call residual self image. It is the mental projection of your digital self.

Neo:               

This...this isn't real?

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Az értőnek:

An area man mowes around a dead body. It's the Onion Radio News, this is Doyle Redland reporting. While mowing around his front lawn yesterday, Brad Selence opted to mow around a human corpse that had been rotting near his azaleas for several days. Selence briefly considered moving the body but decided against it as the grass underneath had probably been ruined anyway. 'I didn't want to touch it, I just, you know, I mean God knows what's under there I just figured let's leave it, let nature take its course'. Selence learned a hard lesson last winter after spending an entire day cleaning human heads from his snow blower. Doyle Redland, from the Onion Radio News online at theonion.com.

Az érdeklődőnek:

Egy helyi férfi körbenyír egy holttestet. Önök az Onion rádió híreit hallják, Doyle Redland vagyok. Brad Selence, miközben a háza előtti gyepet gondozta tegnap, inkább körbenyírta azt az emberi holttestet is, ami napok óta oszlott az azáleái mellett. Selence rövid ideig elgondolkodott azon, hogy elmozdítsa-e a testet, de aztán másként döntött, mivel az alatta lévő fű már valószínűleg amúgyis tönkrement. "Nem akartam hozzáérni, én csak, hát, a Jóisten tudja, hogy mi van alatta, gondoltam, hagyjuk, tegye a természet a dolgát." Selence tavaly télen keményen megtanulta a leckét, miután egy egész napot töltött azzal, hogy megtisztítsa hómaróját a belekerült emberi fejektől. Az Onion rádió híreit Doyle Redland tudósította.

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Az értőnek:

A sexy alien does not understand this thing earthlings call 'love'. It's the Onion Radio News, this is Doyle Redland reporting. A courageous green-skinned explorer from the planet Zardaxia Prime innocently desires to explore the meaning of the strange emotion humans call love. The busty female creature says feelings of warmth and understanding are completely foreign to her species. "My people use logic. There is no reason for romance in reproduction." The exotic alien is also curious about the availability of a male crayfish for a possible threesome. Doyle Redland for the Onion Radio News online at theonion.com.

Az érdeklődőnek:

Egy szexis idegen nem érti, mit neveznek a földlakók szerelemnek. Önök az Onion rádió híreit hallják, Doyle Redland vagyok. Egy Zardaxia Prime-ről érkezett bátor zöldbőrű felfedező ártatlan vágya az, hogy megfejtse annak a furcsa érzelemnek az értelmét, amit az emberek szerelemnek hívnak. A dúskeblű nőnemű teremtmény szerint az ő faja számára teljesen idegen a meghittség és a megértés érzése. "Az én népem a logikát használja. A szaporodáshoz nincs szükség szerelemre." Az egzotikus földönkívüli az iránt is kíváncsian érdeklődik, hogy rendelkezésére állna-e egy hím languszta egy lehetséges édeshármashoz. Az Onion rádió híreit Doyle Redland tudósította.

In case you don't know, Marie Claire D'Ubaldo is a successful Argentinian singer and songwriter. Being a number one hit in Italy for five weeks in the summer of 1994, it's little wonder that this song was also included in the soundtrack of Leonardo Pieraccioni's  awesome comedy, Il Ciclone (The Cyclone). If you haven't seen the movie yet, it's about time to get hold of it. Honestly, you don't know what you're missing!

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For those of you interested:

The Rhythm Is Magic

Every heart beat is a miracle
simply breathing out and breathing in
every planet in the system, every distant star
dances to a master rhythm, beating for all eternity

The rhythm is magic, feel it in your soul
rhythm is the power of creation
in every living thing, the force within
the rhythm is magic, the rhythm is king

A dancer steps into the mystery
native instinct feels the living spell
she surrenders to the power, rhythm holds the key
spirit opens like a flower, breathing for all eternity

The rhythm is magic, feel it in your soul
rhythm is the power of creation
in every living thing, the force within
the rhythm is magic, the rhythm is king

La magia del ritmo, siente su vibrar
bebe su poder de sensaciones
en todo lo que ves, la fuerza es
la magia del ritmo, la magia de ser

El milagro de un latido más
respirando en cada palpitar
las distancias se connectan con la exhaltación
el secreto está en el ritmo
prueba de ver su inmensidad

The rhythm is magic, feel it in your soul
rhythm is the power of creation
in every living thing, the force within
the rhythm is magic, the rhythm is king

The rhythm is magic, feel it in your soul
rhythm is the power of creation
in every living thing, the force within
the rhythm is magic, the rhythm is king

The rythm is magic, siente su vibrar!
bebe su poder de sensaciones!
en todo lo que ves, la fuerza es
the rhythm is magic, the rhythm is king

The rhythm is magic,
siente siente siente siente su vibrar
en todo lo que ves, la fuerza es
the rhythm is magic, the rhythm is king

In case you don't know, Lee Mack Ritenour is a contemporary jazz guitarist and composer, born in Los Angeles, California in 1952. I'm especially keen on listening to his smooth, individual style 'cause it is greatly influenced by Brazilian rhythms and funk music. This piece was originally written by Norman Whitfield and Barrett Strong and was turned into a soul classic by an American vocal group named The Temptations, winning three Grammy Awards in 1973. Maybe I'm a bit lopsided but this is definitely the most brilliant version of the original song.

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For those of you interested:

Papa Was A Rolling Stone

It was the third of September.
That day I'll always remember, yes I will.
'Cause that was the day that my daddy died.
I never got a chance to see him.
Never heard nothing but bad things about him.
Mama, I'm depending on you, tell me the truth.

And Mama just hung her head and said,
"Son, Papa was a rolling stone.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."
"Papa was a rolling stone, my son.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."

Well, well.

Hey Mama, is it true what they say,
that Papa never worked a day in his life?
And Mama, bad talk going around town
saying that Papa had three outside children and another wife.
And that ain't right.
HEARD SOME talk about Papa doing some store front preaching.
TalkIN about saving souls and all the time leeching.
Dealing in debt and stealing in the name of the Lord.

Mama just hung her head and said,
"Papa was a rolling stone, my son.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."
"Hey, Papa was a rolling stone.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."

Uh!

Hey Mama, I heard Papa call himself a jack of all trade.
Tell me is that what sent Papa to an early grave?
Folk say Papa would beg, borrow, steal to pay his bill.
Hey Mama, folk say that Papa was never much on thinking.
Spent most of his time chasing women and drinking.
Mama, I'm depending on you to tell me the truth. Mama looked up with a tear in her eye and said,
"Son, Papa was a rolling stone. (Well, well, well, well)
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."
"Papa was a rolling stone.
Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."

"I said, Papa was a rolling stone. Wherever he laid his hat was his home.
(And when he died) All he left us was ALONE."

One of my favourite movies, Scent of a Woman tells the tale of a young and pure preparatory school student who takes a job as an assistant to a flamboyant, blind and retired army officer. It also brought a long-awaited and much-deserved Academy Award for the best actor in a leading role to Al Pacino.

In the part you're about to see, our youthful hero's dilemma reaches its peak. Before taking up with the colonel, he witnessed an act of vandalism and was told by the school's headmaster that revealing the perpetrators could help him to get a Harvard scholarship. On the other hand, if he keeps quiet, he can kiss Harvard goodbye. In the end, the school's headmaster conducts a courtroom-like assembly of the student body and the Disciplinary Committee. Resisting pressure coming from the impatient headmaster, Charlie refuses to give the culprits' names, and is about to be expelled when Colonel Slade, who has come to be by his side in his parents' place, gives a staggering speech on his behalf, suggesting that Charlie had been offered a bribe to inform on his classmates.

Well, after watching the whole movie, you may say that its storyline is rather predictable, being one of the cinema's oldest: we've got a tough old fellow attempting to corrupt a young innocent boy but instead finds himself softened. Anyhow, it gave enough room for Pacino to show off his irresistable acting talent. To be frank, his voice and intonation always gives me the thrills. If I had been one of the members of that disciplinary committee, I would have also been convinced, I guess.

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Az értőnek:

- I am left with no real witness. Mr. Willis's testimony is not only vague, it is unsubstantiated. The substance I was looking for, Mr. Simms, was to come from you.      

- I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry too, Mr. Simms, because you know what I'm going to do, inasmuch as I can't punish Mr. Havemeyer, Mr. Potter or Mr. Jameson? And I won't punish Mr. Willis. He's the only party to this incident who is still worthy of calling himself a Baird man. I'm going to recommend to the Disciplinary Committee that you be expelled. Mr. Simms, you are a cover-up artist and you are a liar.